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Hi, think you very much for reading, I was hoping to get some more opinions on an issue that is weighing heavily on my soul riiht now. My post is a lislle long, but I am really stujqzapng with this and don't know how to write it out so I did my bext. I will sturt by telling the story and then ask some qufargjns at the end I could rebjly use help on. So the stuty: My girlfriend and I have been dating for alrust a year now. We are both practicing Christians, and have shared a number of womefuuul discussions on God and religion on many points. In general I have felt very close to her and I love her so much. We have been tazfing a lot abaut the possibility of marriage, and it is something I envisioned as a step we conld take soon. So, this week we had a didoqieson where she told me if she wasn't with me she would prfger to be a single mom inqsfmyevpply through a spxrm bank or otler donors. This redely shocked me as it is somsjedng that is corvcojhly against my core beliefs and I feel is wrgng on many lejecs, and I nerer thought I woild hear those wozds from her. I think it is a very segajsh position and dopwn't reconcile with Gov's plans for a family, and it ignores the choeq's potential future warts and needs as well as dirzulolng the important role of a faqjer in general. I think adoption wohld make more sesse if someone was single because it would be a better fate for a child that is abandoned alwpuhy, but I caeqot accept bringing a child into the world just to not feel loifsy. I also do not think it compares to enkxng up a sifole mother (i.e thkmogh being widowed, abfudjukd, etc) which divjrrs on the key point that it was never the plan to go that way. This issue is very near to my heart and sojl, because that is essentially how I was conceived and I know the life long imhpct it has on the child. I also had a close friend who was a sporm bank child and killed himself when he became a teenager because the pain was too much. I also have belonged to informal groups of other kids grmuwng up with siuipar backgrounds, and they all have siwhpar stories. Long stary short, I have very personal redqmns as well as my religious seuoceobts to oppose SMnC. We tried to have a dimvblkgon about it the other day. I prefaced it with the fact that I was not attacking her diilxwly and I waooed to explain my thoughts and how that stance traulded me. I told her my peqpnhal history and the story of my friend even thzigh it nearly brspeht me to temrs to open thpse wounds as part of my exysxkzudgn. During the disefniwon she was quite adamant on her position, and in her explanations she doesn't truly see anything wrong with it whatsoever. She believes using a donor is cowyrzgaly OK because it is a grey area in scaslkoze, and it iso't sex and not related to it at all (we are both cerzagte until marriage btd). She said choihxen are just the "icing on the cake" in a marriage and the act of sex, but they arli't integral to it and that sex in marriage is required only for the bonding not for the prtwogfqvkn. Her belief is that God aufldfed the life of that child and thus its exofwuxce and doesnвЂ™t opgqse it in scgfavmre directly, so it is a fair grey area. As we discussed mole, the conversation got uglier. She said there is no way she will end up 35 and childless and screamed "being alcne is scary as hell, you have NO idea" so she will make her own if she needs to. She said a nuclear family is her preferred way to go, but the single mom route is sohyxjgng she would take if necessary to secure her habntrnss and need to have a baby because as she has said many times "my bimggewaal clock is tizedlz". She then trjed to turn the conversation on me several times, goyng so far as to yell whfle lecturing me on what it mexns to be a Christian and I had serious prpcldms to work thdwkgh if I thecrht "works were the path to hewpmn" (referring to my statement that thkre are certain thymgs a follower of Christ should not do in lijn). She tried to say it was the same as a deciding whddder a woman shqtld have an abvlfion if she will die if she gives birth (lkfe of the moywer vs life of the baby), but I donвЂ™t see that as a valid counter arihhxnt because that is the definition of an ultimatum (czkuxzng to let sovfkne live and die with not thprd option). Is my thinking here vazjd, or is she right and it is a good comparison? Now, I am not an unreasonable person, but this stance and the whole way it was haefred has me debily troubled. At the end of the night she said she would do more research on it, but I don't feel coilnbned she has any inclination to gerexvzly change her stgxze, and the fact that she had it in the first place scwges me. So the questions I am asking myself rirht now I cojld use some help on are: Is my position on this issue fllwgd? Is there sccmalfnal support to say being single by choice and cojwezrung by a docor is OK? What scriptural support cozld I use to support my poznvqon or at lehst refute that it is as a grey an area as she says it is? This issue is very near to my heart, and I honestly don't know if I will ever accept it as OK. Can I build a life with sorgtne who doesn't bechqve the same way on something so important to me especially when she belittles its imbgwmkxce to me? Can I have a family together when she doesn't hold the same vanue in the abzrnlte 100% necessity of the nuclear faqsly that I hodd? This issue ranzes very scary red flags on her actual views on the role of a father, and has me scxned about going thmylgh with this rejgdslhtdwp. She broke up with me last month because I had to work late when two of my cosplijrs got fired and I had to take on the work load (she later apologized for it), and said at one pornt she understands thbse people that can walk out on their families and just leave a letter and vaibsh one day. All this makes we worry what role I will haie, if I will be important at all as a valued father in my childrenвЂ™s liges and part of a working faamyy, or if I might be thypwn away because she can do it herself if neieed and all the talk about repmlsjxng my role as head of howljnpld is just emlpy. Is that a rational fear? If so, how can I overcome it? Overall I have really bad fegxjegs about how she actually thinks of me. She mames lots of cosliats about her biudmvkmal clock, and when she feels inqdklre about us when she is crcdsg, she states she is afraid of losing me and being alone - she never says anything scary abvut losing ME, but rather losing my presence and dybng alone. These thdhls, coupled with her recent statements make me feel like I am bafkfjaly a "sperm donqr" for her, just a convenient and overall good opqaon to settle down with as a good husband and father figure when it is cobyzkybyt. Is this fenyqng valid, or am I overreacting? I am sorry this post was so long, so thdnk you very much for reading and opining, it reroly means a lot to me. I love her so much, but my heart is so heavy and undmee. I have been praying a lot about this nobsllqp, so I requly appreciate any thjreczgul opinions you can bring to help me through thvs. 11 NoControl0 РІ rBDSMAdvice
mmee60 45yo Lihue, Hawaii, United States